The doors are thrown open

Literally and figuratively! It’s a beautiful morning and I’ve got the doors thrown open to catch the breezes that are just the least bit chilly but promising to warm up to a glorious day.

The doors in my mind have opened up as well. I have thrown them open so that I can examine things a little more closely and let some light in up there. With the health issues in my family this past week, I’ve come to realize that I’ve been struggling with my weight for 20 years now. That’s a bit much. Often I have failed for the same reasons I’ve failed at being green and thrifty lately. There are two reasons: I get off track because of some little thing and just never get back to it, or I get a small taste of success and decide to revel in it and give up working so hard. Yup. Those are my reasons. Silly that I never really examined it before, but that’s really it. Such little reasons for it all to end.

The great part is that, now that I know at least those reasons, I can prepare myself to counter them when the time comes. A little taste of success should be celebrated, but not by totally giving up the entire fight. And, as bmary reminded me, success isn’t linear. If I get off track, the thing to do is hop back on. I’m not in a competition with anyone, including myself. I know that’s a popular thing – you’re only in competition with yourself. It’s motivating and can get you to do more each day. The thing is, I’m not a competitive person. Trying to be in a competition with myself has only landed me in depression when I fail because I failed myself.

This is not a contest I can win. Or lose for that matter. It’s more along the lines of a leisurely stroll that I will take for the rest of my life. There will be times when I speed up to chase butterflies or feel the wind through my hair, but it will be for the sheer joy of movement, not because I need to get somewhere. There will be times when I stop altogether to smell some flowers or admire a really nice sunset. But, I will always start moving again eventually. That, to me, is the kind of journey that I want to take. Right now I’m starting to jog a bit. It’s difficult to get going again after such a long rest, but I’m moving and I know it will get easier as I go.

All this is to say that I think I’ll be more successful losing the weight if I stop worrying about it so much. I enjoy lifting weights so I’ll do that. I just started karate and I’m finding it fun and useful, so I’ll continue that. Between the two, I’m being more active than I have been in a long time. That can only be good. As far as being green and thrifty, I’m starting to jog there, too. I got a taste of success when we paid off the bills, and we went a little nuts congratulating ourselves. Then came car repairs, and vet bills, and some other surprises. Now it’s time to get back into the rhythm of it all and make it a game again. It was only really doable when it was fun. I got into a certain rhythm of laundry in the mornings and dishes in the afternoons. Hanging laundry became a bit of a zen time, and doing dishes wasn’t so bad if they hadn’t been sitting in  the sink for two days.

There is a certain rhythm to our lives and I lost the beat. I jumped into a mosh pit and went crazy when I should have been doing a waltz. I can compromise and do the twist. Still fun but much less destructive. Now it just remains to find the beat again. It’s there, waiting for me, I just need to listen. My days have gotten out of whack because of this school. Every five weeks our schedule changes. Every week there are at least two tests. Every fifth week there are two finals. It’s hectic. But, there is a rhythm there too. I had it for a while. It’s going to take a little doing, but I can use my time a little better and figure out how to make my two rhythms work together to make one heck of a song.

OK, I’ve gone a bit analogy crazy today, but it feels right. I love taking long walks and listening to all kinds of rock music. If I can figure myself out using two things that I enjoy, why not use them? I know this is a little long, but thanks for hanging in there with me.

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