Silence

These days I seem to be content sitting in the quiet of the house, listening to the dishwasher swishing or the washer spinning. It wasn’t always that way. Not only was I always dissatisfied, but I am bipolar with anxiety and didn’t get diagnosed until about four years ago. My manias were epic. I’d get obsessed by one thing for about three or four days to the exclusion of all else, including much sleep. Every few times it’d be cleaning, and no one had a problem with that.  😉  I was dissatisfied because I had no real goals or direction. I was a stay at home mom and that was enough for the first five years, but those last two? Not so much. The kids were old enough not to need quite such constant vigilance and I had nothing else to do.

When I was home, the T.V. was on for the noise (“company”). When I was in the car, the radio was blasting. I couldn’t stand the silence. One of the biggest gifts the medications have given me, aside from freedom from the mania-depression cycle that I went through every four to six weeks, is the gift of silence. I can enjoy just sitting quietly now. I used to have to always either be going and going, or distracting myself. When I first realized that I didn’t need to have the T.V. on anymore, I remember just sitting and watching the second hand go around on the clock in silence. I sat that way for 10 minutes. It was a revelation.

I am able to slow down now and enjoy the changes of the seasons. I am awed at the green shoots as my plants burst from their seeds. I adore the colors of the turning leaves in fall. I can just sit out in the sun and enjoy the feel of the heat on my skin in summer. The quiet, peaceful blanket of snow before the cars have started churning up the road in winter. I never had those things before. I was too busy trying to get somewhere or fill the silence or get to the next thing so that I could fill up that hole inside me.

For now, that hole is full. I am working and that gives me a sense of purpose – I am helping to support the family. I have free time to sit in the quiet and recharge my batteries. I have time with my family to enjoy the kids and my husband. Life is good. I don’t need to go out shopping or running around. There is nothing from which I need to be distracted. That’s an amazing feeling. I hope every one of you feels that way at some point in your life. I look around and I see bounty. Enough, and some luxuries. I am surrounded by love and plenty and it is good. May we all feel that way, if not now, then soon.

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